What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:06
This is soul school!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
How do I come out as queer to my best friend in a funny and stupid way?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care?
I said to her
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do some children hate their parents?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Put me off passion for life!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was scared of men, in general
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im still living with it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was in good health!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I will be 64.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I have no regrets .
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I write beautiful poetry .
I was 9 years of age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was seconnd youngest,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
We all went to grammer schools
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i lived it daily.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She loved him until the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot live in the past .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It was going to be , some day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My life is so biszare .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I don,t even have a pension.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So, i spoilt her more .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it wasn’t much.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.